By Ilene Val-Essen
I can share what my husband Ed and I did, which I believe holds some universal truths for all relationships. You can be the judge.
Sometimes we satisfy our partner’s wishes simply for the pleasure of relishing their sheer delight. I loved going to the deli to witness my slender husband’s joy as he devoured a sumptuous turkey drumstick.
But sadly, too often, we go along with our partner’s wishes when we really don’t want to. We may cave in because we feel powerless, scared, or unworthy. Whatever the reason for denying ourselves, it never feels good, and often we build resentment. We may be annoyed with ourselves or with our partner. Often, it is both.
When my husband and I bought a townhouse, Ed explained that he had little input when decorating his apartment in his previous marriage. This pained him enormously, particularly because he was a filmmaker and a photographer, and his visual world meant everything to him.
When we first looked for furniture for our new home, our preferences were so different that we could hardly imagine that anyone could like our partner’s choices. Yet with such disparate initial taste, we truly succeeded in finding genuine satisfaction in decorating our home.
Three Key Elements Allowed for Success
First, the quality of our intention.
I first understood the power of intention when, as a young mom, I was introduced to Tom Gordon’s “win-win approach” from his book, Parent Effectiveness Training. Gordon explained that the intention of this approach involved satisfying each person’s needs. Needs he explained are considered essential to our wellbeing, versus wants, which are viewed simply as preferences.
Second, the commitment to the process.
When attempting to create a win-win solution, it’s helpful to affirm your conviction in it, “Let’s remember that the process isn’t complete until we both feel good.” When you solve one problem successfully, and face another, you might want to reinforce your success: “You had doubts, but we hung in there until we both felt good; I’m confident that we can do it again.”
Third, the tools for success.
When training to become a Marriage and Family Therapist, I studied Psychosynthesis. This humanistic and spiritual approach to psychotherapy introduced me to powerful tools:
- To become aware of how we think, feel, and behave.
- Once able to witness ourselves, we gain the capacity to evaluate what we see.
- We can then choose to follow the track we are on.
- Or if discontent, we can engage our will, to direct our energy to act more consistently in meeting our highest intentions to honor and support each other’s needs.
How Did Ed and I Change Our Direction?
After our first bumpy shopping attempt, we both agreed, without blame, that the experience wasn’t working for either of us. We then set lofty ideals: to create a home that reflected our love and delighted us both aesthetically. With that clarity, we decided to purchase only items that we both loved. We knew this might be challenging, and certainly would involve an act of will, but we shared a strong commitment.
This decision changed our shopping experiences significantly, but even more profoundly, it increased our pagra, my favorite word in the world, which I’ll explain momentarily. First…
Shopping
Agreeing only to buy things that we both loved resulted in each of us becoming more sophisticated and appreciative of the other’s contributions!
Ed often opened my eyes to decorative items that I would never have taken a second look at, only because they were outside my usual aesthetic range at that time. But soon, I learned to see through his eyes. Ed had a keen sense of shape, and a less conventional, more earthy taste, which I fell in love with. Suddenly I began to seek ethnic items, particularly drawn to rich, handwoven tapestries for our walls.
Ed discovered that I, on the other hand, had a keen sense of color and harmony. By mixing paints and creating my own palette, I added warmth and flow throughout our home, which he enjoyed. Childlike by nature, I also added whimsical decorative animals and sculptures, which brought smiles to us and to those who entered our home.
As expected, it wasn’t always easy, and I wondered if I hadn’t been foolish for suggesting an approach that placed us as equal partners when at that time, in this domain particularly, it was the norm for women to get their way.
But I wouldn’t, couldn’t, do this to him. Nor could I consider seriously letting go of a process and principles that I had cherished for decades. Now…
Pagra
This Aramaic word, unfamiliar to most of us, refers to a relationship’s emotional bank account. Just as we can withdraw from a savings account when facing difficult financial challenges, we can withdraw goodwill from our emotional account when going through rough times. Decorating our home with things that we both loved led to a 30+ year journey of committing to our mutual well-being in many key areas of our life—children, friends, finances, and professional and personal goals. We accumulated a well-endowed emotional bank account and withdrew from it on many occasions. This was especially true during Ed’s illnesses and his ultimate passing in December 2021. Although terribly sad, this sacred time was quite beautiful.
Ed and I created a deeply satisfying partnership by being Willing to Love. We held the intention to support our mutual well-being, we remained committed to this ideal, and we used valuable tools to help us succeed.
I hope our story stimulates new conversations in your efforts to create a truly satisfying partnership.